Today was a day full of change...and a bit of fear.
I started out the day with a problem with my schedule. Not my issue - a continuing computer glitch.
Friday, July 26, 2013
Wednesday, July 10, 2013
Tuesday, July 9
O.G.
Some of the guys in the dorm, and earlier at the jail, had called me O.G. I really didn't know what that meant but, of course, didn't want to ask. To ask would indicate weakness and naivete and that is something that
Some of the guys in the dorm, and earlier at the jail, had called me O.G. I really didn't know what that meant but, of course, didn't want to ask. To ask would indicate weakness and naivete and that is something that
Tuesday, July 9, 2013
Monday, July 8, 2013
CANTEEN
Its a different sort of reality at CCC....and I would expect in jail and in prison. For example, hot water and instant coffee (Taster's Choice) are seeming delicacies. I don't get it but its a big deal when there is hot water and an even bigger deal when there is not.
Guys have started making hot water by running the hot water through the iron...sort of gross but not my deal so I don't mind.
Canteen equally is a big deal. I usually get water but I have become rather addicted to these peanut butter cookies..
CROWDING
When I went to bed last night, there were just 3 of us on the floor. When I woke, there were 5 and it was really, really tight quarters. I guess things have to change. I only have 74 days left and that's what I am counting down til.
JEREMY
There are a number of characters at CCC. Jeremy is a 29 year old heroin addict. I think he probably also used meth as he basically is without teeth at the present time. He had work release and worked, I suppose, as a painter. He brags about how he goes into a closet at the site and sleeps throughout the day...I suspect that given there is no output, it is not hard to spot that he had not done anywork. But what do I know?
Every night he would come back and gradually descend into a heroin induced stupor complete with nodding out and slight fits of anger. He slips by the guards unnoticed but then by the time he returns, he is
He is actually pretty funny and self-deprecating but at the same time is sensitive, perhaps to a fault. He is easily hurt by comments about his teeth and his laziness. He has some perverse musical ability and can make up (silly) songs in the country genre at will.
He is a pretty severe heroin addict. Yesterday he lost his job and didn't come back immediately to CCC. As a result, he was written up and is in trouble. He may get a warning. However, he may lose the privilege of living in our dorm....
He was trying to figure out what to say to the counselor. The truth is not all that bad, he didn't know he had to come back and went and looked for another job. However, he was insistent upon lying and the lies would easily be brought to light after a few calls...stupid, really...characteristic of an addict...definitely.
I spoke to him about treatment but it was interesting to me that he had absolutely no interest in hearing about it. Again, the truth hurts. I feel for him and wonder what I will find upon my return tonight.
CLINT
Clint is an interesting guy. He is short and very slender, not at all pre-possessing but has a sort of kindness that would be very easy to miss. He is a rule follower and the guards probably take no notice of him. Nevertheless, he knows exactly what is going on at the dorm at all times/
He has the appetite of a titan and I usually give him whatever food I take - breakfast and zaybos...
He is here for domestic violence rather contradictorily. He didn't finish his violence classes and was sentenced to 180 days. As a result, he lost his job and cannot get out on a daily basis. He may get out later this week and I will miss him but he needs
While at CCC, he has decided to divorce his wife. I think he is sad about it but knows that they should not be together.
He has grown this rather impressive beard and is always combing it, trimming it and other wise taking care of it.
I play "Garbage" with him but other than that we don't talk. I just like him.
Its a different sort of reality at CCC....and I would expect in jail and in prison. For example, hot water and instant coffee (Taster's Choice) are seeming delicacies. I don't get it but its a big deal when there is hot water and an even bigger deal when there is not.
Guys have started making hot water by running the hot water through the iron...sort of gross but not my deal so I don't mind.
Canteen equally is a big deal. I usually get water but I have become rather addicted to these peanut butter cookies..
CROWDING
When I went to bed last night, there were just 3 of us on the floor. When I woke, there were 5 and it was really, really tight quarters. I guess things have to change. I only have 74 days left and that's what I am counting down til.
JEREMY
There are a number of characters at CCC. Jeremy is a 29 year old heroin addict. I think he probably also used meth as he basically is without teeth at the present time. He had work release and worked, I suppose, as a painter. He brags about how he goes into a closet at the site and sleeps throughout the day...I suspect that given there is no output, it is not hard to spot that he had not done anywork. But what do I know?
Every night he would come back and gradually descend into a heroin induced stupor complete with nodding out and slight fits of anger. He slips by the guards unnoticed but then by the time he returns, he is
He is actually pretty funny and self-deprecating but at the same time is sensitive, perhaps to a fault. He is easily hurt by comments about his teeth and his laziness. He has some perverse musical ability and can make up (silly) songs in the country genre at will.
He is a pretty severe heroin addict. Yesterday he lost his job and didn't come back immediately to CCC. As a result, he was written up and is in trouble. He may get a warning. However, he may lose the privilege of living in our dorm....
He was trying to figure out what to say to the counselor. The truth is not all that bad, he didn't know he had to come back and went and looked for another job. However, he was insistent upon lying and the lies would easily be brought to light after a few calls...stupid, really...characteristic of an addict...definitely.
I spoke to him about treatment but it was interesting to me that he had absolutely no interest in hearing about it. Again, the truth hurts. I feel for him and wonder what I will find upon my return tonight.
CLINT
Clint is an interesting guy. He is short and very slender, not at all pre-possessing but has a sort of kindness that would be very easy to miss. He is a rule follower and the guards probably take no notice of him. Nevertheless, he knows exactly what is going on at the dorm at all times/
He has the appetite of a titan and I usually give him whatever food I take - breakfast and zaybos...
He is here for domestic violence rather contradictorily. He didn't finish his violence classes and was sentenced to 180 days. As a result, he lost his job and cannot get out on a daily basis. He may get out later this week and I will miss him but he needs
While at CCC, he has decided to divorce his wife. I think he is sad about it but knows that they should not be together.
He has grown this rather impressive beard and is always combing it, trimming it and other wise taking care of it.
I play "Garbage" with him but other than that we don't talk. I just like him.
Monday, July 8, 2013
Weekend Follies
The first week has not been without its trials but for the most part, this week has been pretty harmless.
A few observations though...
A lot of what is portrayed on television about jail is not exactly inaccurate. There are a lot of drugs, smuggling and basically childish games. One game is called "keistering." Its actually pretty ingenious/pathetic at the same time. Basically a couple of the guys purchase chewing tobacco or Spice or the like when they are out to their AA/NA meetings; take the tobacco out of the container and place it in plastic tubes (e.g. rubber gloves) and then stuck the tubes up their butts ("Keisters") and therefore smuggle the contraband in to be sold. Relatively disgusting but I guess effective.
Its not hard to imagine how easy it must be to smuggle stuff in this way. When we are stripped searched, we squat and cough...a little anal integrity and the stuff would stay put.
The strip searches are perfunctory and really not all that invasive...For me at least but then again, I am not there in search of trouble.
The other observation has to do with smoking. Smoking, not surprisingly, is not permitted in the dorms. However at various times (the timing of which coincides with meals, counts etc) a literal gang of guys go to the lavatory part of the bathroom and smoke....when they descend upon the lavatory, oftentimes a few of the guys will bring
A few observations though...
A lot of what is portrayed on television about jail is not exactly inaccurate. There are a lot of drugs, smuggling and basically childish games. One game is called "keistering." Its actually pretty ingenious/pathetic at the same time. Basically a couple of the guys purchase chewing tobacco or Spice or the like when they are out to their AA/NA meetings; take the tobacco out of the container and place it in plastic tubes (e.g. rubber gloves) and then stuck the tubes up their butts ("Keisters") and therefore smuggle the contraband in to be sold. Relatively disgusting but I guess effective.
Its not hard to imagine how easy it must be to smuggle stuff in this way. When we are stripped searched, we squat and cough...a little anal integrity and the stuff would stay put.
The strip searches are perfunctory and really not all that invasive...For me at least but then again, I am not there in search of trouble.
The other observation has to do with smoking. Smoking, not surprisingly, is not permitted in the dorms. However at various times (the timing of which coincides with meals, counts etc) a literal gang of guys go to the lavatory part of the bathroom and smoke....when they descend upon the lavatory, oftentimes a few of the guys will bring
Saturday, July 6, 2013
Friday, July 5, 2013
The first week has been stressful I guess but it's sort of like the first week of a new semester in school or a job.
Today was a straight at work day...had a few snafus...CCC rejected my Amazon Delivery..my monitor screwed up...high class problems
I got to spend 3 great hours with my sponsor..really talking the 5th step and amends...what an amazing man! And this amazing man consistently tells me that he is proud of me. He really makes me want to be a better man...I am in awe of his sobriety.
Am getting into the
Am getting into the
Friday, July 5, 2013
Thursday, July 4, 2013
Because I work for myself, I was able to get out of CCC for this rainy and pretty disgusting July4th Holiday. Downtown was dead. I mean deserted and sort of sad - remnants of the previous night partying were evident in the streets.
Getting out was not really that big of a problem The office of course was deserted. I actually enjoyed the privacy.
I got to have lunch with Sally and Greg and the boys. I always enjoy them. Lots of love and just wonderful to see them. I spent the rest of the day doing odds and ends and waiting...every day is a new adventure...in terms of timing, understanding the process etc.
If I had stayed sober, yesterday would have been 9 years...bittersweet but I don't know if I would change anything about the present...odd to say...the past couple of days have been fascinating to say the least.
Herbert Spencer allegedly wrote that:
There is a principle which is a bar against all information,
which is proof against all arguments, and which cannot fail
to keep a man in everlasting ignorance—that principle is
contempt prior to investigation."
The fact is that I was so afraid of what I was going to find at CCC that I was pretty much pleasantly surprised. I mean I would prefer not to be there but on the whole, the situation could be worse.
Getting out was not really that big of a problem The office of course was deserted. I actually enjoyed the privacy.
I got to have lunch with Sally and Greg and the boys. I always enjoy them. Lots of love and just wonderful to see them. I spent the rest of the day doing odds and ends and waiting...every day is a new adventure...in terms of timing, understanding the process etc.
If I had stayed sober, yesterday would have been 9 years...bittersweet but I don't know if I would change anything about the present...odd to say...the past couple of days have been fascinating to say the least.
Herbert Spencer allegedly wrote that:
There is a principle which is a bar against all information,
which is proof against all arguments, and which cannot fail
to keep a man in everlasting ignorance—that principle is
contempt prior to investigation."
The fact is that I was so afraid of what I was going to find at CCC that I was pretty much pleasantly surprised. I mean I would prefer not to be there but on the whole, the situation could be worse.
Thursday, July 4, 2013
Wednesday, July 3, 2013
After a lot of back and forth....I got my cell phone back...it is interesting to me how addicted I am to my phone and how disconnected I feel without it.
Charm doesn't work at the CCC. Its a whole new set of rules. I have always gotten by with wit, charm and manners...those paradigms no longer apply. What does apply is grit, determination and a willingness to accept rudeness and condescension...
There is this one guard. A large black woman who spends a lot of time on her hair and nails. She doesn't move from her post (at least when I was there) and reminds me of Mama from the 70's show, That's My Mama....yet more imperious. However, despite the outward signs of ill-manners, she has a fantastic memory and seems to be really pretty nice. She helped me get my phone and remembered later to ask me if I got it. Little things mean a lot at this time...
As an aside, this whole experience has been grossly humbling, laborious and frustrating and vaguely and sometimes outwardly humorous. Yet, I am grateful that this is ALL I have to go through. I am thankful that I didn't kill anyone. I am hopeful that I have taken my last drink. I realize that I am growing on a daily basis. I am grateful for the realization of who my true friends are. I am blessed with my family - my brothers and sister-in-law. My sponsor and my support group are ROCKS of support for me.
The remainder of the day was busy. I got a couple of new clients. Worked on some other matters. Good day.
At night I went to Group Therapy at the Morton Center. Again, another foundation of support for me. I really enjoy my group and feel very much at home there - free to express what's going on and I hope I help some people with my candor...who knows, maybe (and probably) I piss them off with it all.
After group I got back to CCC and found that they were on lockdown. Stupid-asses got caught smoking in the boys room...I don't smoke and I get to go out -- so I don't understand what the big issue is with not smoking...again, a learning experience for me.
There are a lot of career jail-birds. While the guys there are really pretty cool, I am shocked/surprised by the number of times many of them have been in jail and their seeming acceptance of their lot in life.
This is a really unique experience for me. I don't think I ever would have had the chance to experience this side of life.
Charm doesn't work at the CCC. Its a whole new set of rules. I have always gotten by with wit, charm and manners...those paradigms no longer apply. What does apply is grit, determination and a willingness to accept rudeness and condescension...
There is this one guard. A large black woman who spends a lot of time on her hair and nails. She doesn't move from her post (at least when I was there) and reminds me of Mama from the 70's show, That's My Mama....yet more imperious. However, despite the outward signs of ill-manners, she has a fantastic memory and seems to be really pretty nice. She helped me get my phone and remembered later to ask me if I got it. Little things mean a lot at this time...
As an aside, this whole experience has been grossly humbling, laborious and frustrating and vaguely and sometimes outwardly humorous. Yet, I am grateful that this is ALL I have to go through. I am thankful that I didn't kill anyone. I am hopeful that I have taken my last drink. I realize that I am growing on a daily basis. I am grateful for the realization of who my true friends are. I am blessed with my family - my brothers and sister-in-law. My sponsor and my support group are ROCKS of support for me.
The remainder of the day was busy. I got a couple of new clients. Worked on some other matters. Good day.
At night I went to Group Therapy at the Morton Center. Again, another foundation of support for me. I really enjoy my group and feel very much at home there - free to express what's going on and I hope I help some people with my candor...who knows, maybe (and probably) I piss them off with it all.
After group I got back to CCC and found that they were on lockdown. Stupid-asses got caught smoking in the boys room...I don't smoke and I get to go out -- so I don't understand what the big issue is with not smoking...again, a learning experience for me.
There are a lot of career jail-birds. While the guys there are really pretty cool, I am shocked/surprised by the number of times many of them have been in jail and their seeming acceptance of their lot in life.
This is a really unique experience for me. I don't think I ever would have had the chance to experience this side of life.
Tuesday, July 2, 2013
So with all of the computer issues, I really wasn't entirely sure I was going to work. I didn't know if my calendar went into the computer..there had been a lot of drama about that.
I woke up again ridiculously early to eat a bad breakfast...eggs and pancakes...not really into the food yet, cannot wait to see if I have lost any weight...who knows.
So there I was nervous about going...I got ready to go really early...I was on the list...huzzah!
However,
They had failed to tell me that I needed to request my property 30 minutes prior to leaving. SOOOOO- no phone.
At least I was out.
I scurried to my office and started emailing and calling everyone.so glad to be out. Talked to Sally, Laura, my brothers, Billy, Sam and a bunch of my support group.
Met Laura for lunch but didn't really eat anything...nothing really...still so nervous about the whole thing.
Spent the entire day in my office...got some work done...but really was more concerned about checking back in.
I stayed at my office until the appointed hour and then walked over.
AH, strip search...never had that done before. Really not all that invasive. They are looking for people to smuggle in drugs or tobacco or spice. I don't plan on doing any of that so its not that big of a deal. It is obvious however that I don't know what I am doing and I think that the officers are vaguely amused by my manners and niavete.
I woke up again ridiculously early to eat a bad breakfast...eggs and pancakes...not really into the food yet, cannot wait to see if I have lost any weight...who knows.
So there I was nervous about going...I got ready to go really early...I was on the list...huzzah!
However,
They had failed to tell me that I needed to request my property 30 minutes prior to leaving. SOOOOO- no phone.
At least I was out.
I scurried to my office and started emailing and calling everyone.so glad to be out. Talked to Sally, Laura, my brothers, Billy, Sam and a bunch of my support group.
Met Laura for lunch but didn't really eat anything...nothing really...still so nervous about the whole thing.
Spent the entire day in my office...got some work done...but really was more concerned about checking back in.
I stayed at my office until the appointed hour and then walked over.
AH, strip search...never had that done before. Really not all that invasive. They are looking for people to smuggle in drugs or tobacco or spice. I don't plan on doing any of that so its not that big of a deal. It is obvious however that I don't know what I am doing and I think that the officers are vaguely amused by my manners and niavete.
Wednesday, July 3, 2013
Monday - getting out
So I slept until I heard someone yell out "Jail" - only it wasn't jail, it was Chow. My hearing has gotten really bad during this whole thing.
Another rotten breakfast - although better than at the jail...oatmeal, pancakes and some meat pattie.
Breakfast at 4:45. I generally don't eat breakfast but I did and it filled me.
Then I was awake. There are no clocks in the dorm - God knows what time it is half of the time and when the guys are awake - it is loud. But then it got quiet again...people go out of there in shifts.
People in jail talk, they gossip, they swear. I listened. I listened to everything they said and most of it scared the be-jesus out of me.
I wanted to shower....but I couldn't. Aside from the fact that I was afraid of showering there - which was without merit, I was afraid I would miss it when my name was called for orientation.
Showering is not an issue. Only one guy goes in at a time....they place a broom across the doorway and that's that.
Inmates are an entitled bunch. They act as if the CO's work for them and that their problems take first priority. They don't you know...they really don't.
One of the guys wasn't going to be able to go out to work and freaked the F out. He yelled at how lazy the guards were - how unfair it was - what he was going to do about it....as a result, he got placed in the dummy box...a funny name for an unfunny place.
Finally my name was called for orientation...I went - two hours to fill out 3 sheets...things move slow in jail...I should have mentioned that earlier...time is slow in jail and the poor guards and staff with their pitiful pay and really horrendous working conditions move slower.
I spent the rest of the day trying to get my office verified, my schedule entered and not piss people off. I don't want to piss anyone off because I think that makes things harder. On another level, I want the guards and staff to like me. Why? People I am like that but no, really because I think that if they like me they will treat me nicely --- very manipulative and unfortunately, uneffective.
I was also racing against the clock...the counselor leaves at 3:30..if its not entered by then, I would be screwed for another day...luckily I got it in and that was that - except for the nagging fear that the schedule would be wrong or be lost or any of the other things that People had talked about...see above...people in prison gossip.
The rest of the day was a waiting game. I am trying to be nice to people but I am afraid that they want to rape me...interesting dichotomy, eh? But I talked to a few guys...never telling them that I was a lawyer but I really give off the vibe a lot.
I was afraid to take a shower...not for the obvious reason but because I was afraid I would miss something..showers are taken alone in my dorm. You put a broom across the way and no one goes in...lots of respect for personal privacy in an increasingly immodest place.
The guys keep the dorm relatively clean and with minor exceptions are pretty respectful of others. There is a lot of drugs in the dorm...mainly spice.
I missed lunch which was a Zaebo or Zaybo...basically a bunch of bologna, 4 pieces of bread and a cookie with some juice. My mother always said that if you were hungry enough you would eat anything...I am simply not hungry enough.
Despite how crappy the whole process is...I am still very thankful that it wasn't worse. I was so glad that I didn't hurt anyone, all that...gladder still that I was sober and really employed what I had learned...humility and an increased spirituality.
I did talk to a couple of guys..Memphis and I don't know his name - both seemed pretty cool...taught me how to play garbage...which seems fun. Memphis was showing me the ropes...grooming me? I don't think so but I am pretty stupid.
Another rotten breakfast - although better than at the jail...oatmeal, pancakes and some meat pattie.
Breakfast at 4:45. I generally don't eat breakfast but I did and it filled me.
Then I was awake. There are no clocks in the dorm - God knows what time it is half of the time and when the guys are awake - it is loud. But then it got quiet again...people go out of there in shifts.
People in jail talk, they gossip, they swear. I listened. I listened to everything they said and most of it scared the be-jesus out of me.
I wanted to shower....but I couldn't. Aside from the fact that I was afraid of showering there - which was without merit, I was afraid I would miss it when my name was called for orientation.
Showering is not an issue. Only one guy goes in at a time....they place a broom across the doorway and that's that.
Inmates are an entitled bunch. They act as if the CO's work for them and that their problems take first priority. They don't you know...they really don't.
One of the guys wasn't going to be able to go out to work and freaked the F out. He yelled at how lazy the guards were - how unfair it was - what he was going to do about it....as a result, he got placed in the dummy box...a funny name for an unfunny place.
Finally my name was called for orientation...I went - two hours to fill out 3 sheets...things move slow in jail...I should have mentioned that earlier...time is slow in jail and the poor guards and staff with their pitiful pay and really horrendous working conditions move slower.
I spent the rest of the day trying to get my office verified, my schedule entered and not piss people off. I don't want to piss anyone off because I think that makes things harder. On another level, I want the guards and staff to like me. Why? People I am like that but no, really because I think that if they like me they will treat me nicely --- very manipulative and unfortunately, uneffective.
I was also racing against the clock...the counselor leaves at 3:30..if its not entered by then, I would be screwed for another day...luckily I got it in and that was that - except for the nagging fear that the schedule would be wrong or be lost or any of the other things that People had talked about...see above...people in prison gossip.
The rest of the day was a waiting game. I am trying to be nice to people but I am afraid that they want to rape me...interesting dichotomy, eh? But I talked to a few guys...never telling them that I was a lawyer but I really give off the vibe a lot.
I was afraid to take a shower...not for the obvious reason but because I was afraid I would miss something..showers are taken alone in my dorm. You put a broom across the way and no one goes in...lots of respect for personal privacy in an increasingly immodest place.
The guys keep the dorm relatively clean and with minor exceptions are pretty respectful of others. There is a lot of drugs in the dorm...mainly spice.
I missed lunch which was a Zaebo or Zaybo...basically a bunch of bologna, 4 pieces of bread and a cookie with some juice. My mother always said that if you were hungry enough you would eat anything...I am simply not hungry enough.
Despite how crappy the whole process is...I am still very thankful that it wasn't worse. I was so glad that I didn't hurt anyone, all that...gladder still that I was sober and really employed what I had learned...humility and an increased spirituality.
I did talk to a couple of guys..Memphis and I don't know his name - both seemed pretty cool...taught me how to play garbage...which seems fun. Memphis was showing me the ropes...grooming me? I don't think so but I am pretty stupid.
Tuesday, July 2, 2013
Friday to Sunday
The first weekend
After a few false starts and months of fear and pain, I took the "deal" offered to me. It wasn't a good deal but at the end of the day, it is time for me to start making amends and being a man - a man who takes responsibility for his actions.
So, the Judge (who was actually pretty cool) gave me until 1:00 to "check-in" (my term). I was able to change into "comfortable" clothes. I was able to get a lot of things accomplished and felt pretty confident on my walk to the check-in.
My life has always had a sound track and there are certain songs which are very meaningful to me in relation to certain events in my life. For example, the theme for Brideshead Revisited reminds me of college..you get the idea.
My song for this adventure is "Such Good Luck" from the Downton Abbey soundtrack...haunting, sad but somewhat hopeful.
Unfortunately, there is nothing about this song that attaches to my next four days. I would love to say that they were a "nightmare" but that's a little too dramatic, Kathleen. Lets just say they were trying.
The court, the jail and the entire system migrated to a new system over the past week. It has not been a success. As a result, I sat over the LMDC for about 2 days in my "comfortable clothes" which were increasingly uncomfortable. I was later sent to a holding cell for another 2 days. Nevertheless, I was serene. Not 100% of the time but whenever my fear would get the best of me, I would meditate, pray and create a gratitude list. No matter what happens, I am so lucky because it could have been worse, I have found some absolutely wonderful friends and am looking forward to my continued sobriety.
I realized that pretty much everyone in my cell had been locked up for drugs or domestic violence or both -- except for these two young kids who got arrested for throwing rocks at a police car...not that bright but based on their abject horror, I think they may have learned their lesson.
I did see a couple of examples of people who were in absolute addiction. One guy kept hoping to get out so he could get with his dealer and get some heroin...all the while dope sick and detoxing. Another was waiting for Home Incarceration but in reality anxious for heroin. There was a myriad of detox examples.
One guy faked a seizure hoping he could go to the medical floor; it didn't work.
I noticed that a number of the inmates complained about the
And the food...the food...I will probably lose a bunch of weight over the next several months. However, the food was effectively inedible - lots of carbs, almost no protein and fruit was non-existent. This is all good; I had packed on a lot of weight in the past couple of months and can stand to lose about 40 lbs.
There was a TV and was on FX all weekend. That was good for me. Sitcoms and old movies. I loved it. No one else did. I had to fake it that I didn't care one way or the other.
Generally though the days were boring. I was able to 12-step a few people but I was pretty selective about it. I am pretty new at this and don't want to do to more harm than good...sticking to my own story makes it pretty easy; telling the truth makes it easier
The computer problems had effectively immobilized the court. No one could come in; no one could go out. No one knew where anyone belonged or what their next steps were. It was a crazy time. In addition, no one could make calls...it was sort of crazy as you had to have a number input into the system to "charge calls" to but they could not input the numbers so unless you had a pre-existing number, you were SOL.
The issue was so intense, and the jail was increasingly becoming overcrowded. I overheard one of the guards say that they had put out a broadcast not to arrest anyone. Add to this the regular crazies - the drunken fools who populate the jails on weekend nights.....
One of the fools was a marine who was so drunk and belligerent that he backed up the toilet in his holding cell with his own clothes...they dealt with him but the humorous thing is that he was really a nice guy and it just seems that whiskey ("the brown stuff") is not his friend - nor was it mine.
The computer issue did get me down, though. I was very happy and grateful not to have the fear of what I did, what was going to happen to me and what would happen next. I am so thankful to God and my sponsor for teaching me that.
That is not to say that I didn't experience fear. I did - a lot of it. I was extremely nervous about the whole process - from court, to jail, to waiting for CCC, to how to get in and out of CCC, orientation, the rules, the timing, how to conduct myself at CCC...all kinds of snafus waiting to happen...some did; some didn't...but it all happened the way it was supposed to and in God's plan.
So, I spent most of Sunday wondering if I was going to CCC. Finally I got called and told that I was being transferred....which was a relief but as usual, Pandora opened another box of fear and fun.
After a few false starts and months of fear and pain, I took the "deal" offered to me. It wasn't a good deal but at the end of the day, it is time for me to start making amends and being a man - a man who takes responsibility for his actions.
So, the Judge (who was actually pretty cool) gave me until 1:00 to "check-in" (my term). I was able to change into "comfortable" clothes. I was able to get a lot of things accomplished and felt pretty confident on my walk to the check-in.
My life has always had a sound track and there are certain songs which are very meaningful to me in relation to certain events in my life. For example, the theme for Brideshead Revisited reminds me of college..you get the idea.
My song for this adventure is "Such Good Luck" from the Downton Abbey soundtrack...haunting, sad but somewhat hopeful.
Unfortunately, there is nothing about this song that attaches to my next four days. I would love to say that they were a "nightmare" but that's a little too dramatic, Kathleen. Lets just say they were trying.
The court, the jail and the entire system migrated to a new system over the past week. It has not been a success. As a result, I sat over the LMDC for about 2 days in my "comfortable clothes" which were increasingly uncomfortable. I was later sent to a holding cell for another 2 days. Nevertheless, I was serene. Not 100% of the time but whenever my fear would get the best of me, I would meditate, pray and create a gratitude list. No matter what happens, I am so lucky because it could have been worse, I have found some absolutely wonderful friends and am looking forward to my continued sobriety.
I realized that pretty much everyone in my cell had been locked up for drugs or domestic violence or both -- except for these two young kids who got arrested for throwing rocks at a police car...not that bright but based on their abject horror, I think they may have learned their lesson.
I did see a couple of examples of people who were in absolute addiction. One guy kept hoping to get out so he could get with his dealer and get some heroin...all the while dope sick and detoxing. Another was waiting for Home Incarceration but in reality anxious for heroin. There was a myriad of detox examples.
One guy faked a seizure hoping he could go to the medical floor; it didn't work.
I noticed that a number of the inmates complained about the
And the food...the food...I will probably lose a bunch of weight over the next several months. However, the food was effectively inedible - lots of carbs, almost no protein and fruit was non-existent. This is all good; I had packed on a lot of weight in the past couple of months and can stand to lose about 40 lbs.
There was a TV and was on FX all weekend. That was good for me. Sitcoms and old movies. I loved it. No one else did. I had to fake it that I didn't care one way or the other.
Generally though the days were boring. I was able to 12-step a few people but I was pretty selective about it. I am pretty new at this and don't want to do to more harm than good...sticking to my own story makes it pretty easy; telling the truth makes it easier
The computer problems had effectively immobilized the court. No one could come in; no one could go out. No one knew where anyone belonged or what their next steps were. It was a crazy time. In addition, no one could make calls...it was sort of crazy as you had to have a number input into the system to "charge calls" to but they could not input the numbers so unless you had a pre-existing number, you were SOL.
The issue was so intense, and the jail was increasingly becoming overcrowded. I overheard one of the guards say that they had put out a broadcast not to arrest anyone. Add to this the regular crazies - the drunken fools who populate the jails on weekend nights.....
One of the fools was a marine who was so drunk and belligerent that he backed up the toilet in his holding cell with his own clothes...they dealt with him but the humorous thing is that he was really a nice guy and it just seems that whiskey ("the brown stuff") is not his friend - nor was it mine.
The computer issue did get me down, though. I was very happy and grateful not to have the fear of what I did, what was going to happen to me and what would happen next. I am so thankful to God and my sponsor for teaching me that.
That is not to say that I didn't experience fear. I did - a lot of it. I was extremely nervous about the whole process - from court, to jail, to waiting for CCC, to how to get in and out of CCC, orientation, the rules, the timing, how to conduct myself at CCC...all kinds of snafus waiting to happen...some did; some didn't...but it all happened the way it was supposed to and in God's plan.
So, I spent most of Sunday wondering if I was going to CCC. Finally I got called and told that I was being transferred....which was a relief but as usual, Pandora opened another box of fear and fun.
Thursday, June 20, 2013
The Beginning but really the End.
WHO I AM
On June 27, 2013, I will be starting a new adventure in my new life of sobriety. My past life of selfishness, fear and self-centered behavior finally caught up with me on February 8, 2013 when I was arrested for DUI for the 3rd time following an accident in which thankfully no one was hurt.
Jefferson County Kentucky does not take this lightly and I have (or rather will be) been sentenced to 90 days of jail with work release, followed by 90 days of home incarceration. This may seem like a harsh sentence and to be sure there are some darker days ahead. However, I am don't choose to look at it that way.
I have been and am extremely fortunate.
First, I did not kill anyone. I did not hurt anyone. I will be and am eternally thankful for that.
Second, I got my family back as a result of this. My brothers and I had not been close for years...no we are, albeit not in optimal circumstances but we are.
Third, I found out that I have true, solid friends who love me. They were always there. I just had shied away from them over the past several years as I tried to become part of that farce known as Louisville society.
Fourth, I found out who my friends were not. For this I am thankful. I do not need fake or superficial people in my life. No criticism. Just not me.
Fifth (but really first), I dedicated myself to AA and living the 12-steps. I know that sounds sort of ridiculous and almost insincere and trust me that is how I used to feel and sometimes still do feel when people talk about AA. But I am just glad that I have been able to embrace this way of life and no, its not just not drinking...its really a way
On June 27, 2013, I will be turning myself in to start the 180 day journey and this blog is going to document my journey.
During the first 90 days, I will be able to come to my office, go to meetings and generally live a professional life but will have little to no access to my home.
In the second 90 days, I will sleep at home rather than at the jail but other than that my life will not change all that much - except that I will have TV and can cook etc.
I could make this into a pity party. I am not.
I could let my fear cause me to lose what I have. I am not.
I could look for sympathy and pity. I am not.
I used to do all of that but I cant do that any more...its a waste of time and energy.
What I am doing is to continue the change that started after I woke up in jail and become the man my mother thinks I already am.
What I am doing is to make amends to the people I hurt, to get myself into shape, to be the best son, brother, former husband, uncle and friend I can be and to live the life I want to live.
What I am doing is expanding my intellectual and spiritual life and living life according to the program of Alcoholics Anonymous and in a spiritual relationship with God that will allow me to be useful to others.
This is my last chance.
.
Where I stand now and where I want to be:
SOBRIETY
I have been sober for 130 days. At the end, I will be sober about 320 days. Because no matter what, my sobriety comes first.
SPIRITUALLY
I need to expand my meditation and to work the steps on an Honest, Open and Willing basis.
PHYSICALLY
I used to be a huge runner and weight lifter. I stopped that after Feb. I have gained 30 pounds. I want to lose that weight and start an exercise program using only the things that are available to me.
DIET
I plan to give up gluten and get my diet to where it used to be and should stay. I am going to drink a lot of water and watch gluten
On June 27, 2013, I will be starting a new adventure in my new life of sobriety. My past life of selfishness, fear and self-centered behavior finally caught up with me on February 8, 2013 when I was arrested for DUI for the 3rd time following an accident in which thankfully no one was hurt.
Jefferson County Kentucky does not take this lightly and I have (or rather will be) been sentenced to 90 days of jail with work release, followed by 90 days of home incarceration. This may seem like a harsh sentence and to be sure there are some darker days ahead. However, I am don't choose to look at it that way.
I have been and am extremely fortunate.
First, I did not kill anyone. I did not hurt anyone. I will be and am eternally thankful for that.
Second, I got my family back as a result of this. My brothers and I had not been close for years...no we are, albeit not in optimal circumstances but we are.
Third, I found out that I have true, solid friends who love me. They were always there. I just had shied away from them over the past several years as I tried to become part of that farce known as Louisville society.
Fourth, I found out who my friends were not. For this I am thankful. I do not need fake or superficial people in my life. No criticism. Just not me.
Fifth (but really first), I dedicated myself to AA and living the 12-steps. I know that sounds sort of ridiculous and almost insincere and trust me that is how I used to feel and sometimes still do feel when people talk about AA. But I am just glad that I have been able to embrace this way of life and no, its not just not drinking...its really a way
On June 27, 2013, I will be turning myself in to start the 180 day journey and this blog is going to document my journey.
During the first 90 days, I will be able to come to my office, go to meetings and generally live a professional life but will have little to no access to my home.
In the second 90 days, I will sleep at home rather than at the jail but other than that my life will not change all that much - except that I will have TV and can cook etc.
I could make this into a pity party. I am not.
I could let my fear cause me to lose what I have. I am not.
I could look for sympathy and pity. I am not.
I used to do all of that but I cant do that any more...its a waste of time and energy.
What I am doing is to continue the change that started after I woke up in jail and become the man my mother thinks I already am.
What I am doing is to make amends to the people I hurt, to get myself into shape, to be the best son, brother, former husband, uncle and friend I can be and to live the life I want to live.
What I am doing is expanding my intellectual and spiritual life and living life according to the program of Alcoholics Anonymous and in a spiritual relationship with God that will allow me to be useful to others.
This is my last chance.
.
Where I stand now and where I want to be:
SOBRIETY
I have been sober for 130 days. At the end, I will be sober about 320 days. Because no matter what, my sobriety comes first.
SPIRITUALLY
I need to expand my meditation and to work the steps on an Honest, Open and Willing basis.
PHYSICALLY
I used to be a huge runner and weight lifter. I stopped that after Feb. I have gained 30 pounds. I want to lose that weight and start an exercise program using only the things that are available to me.
DIET
I plan to give up gluten and get my diet to where it used to be and should stay. I am going to drink a lot of water and watch gluten
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